What I had never truly realized is that everything a pregnant woman feels, thinks, and experiences is also felt by her unborn child—not just physically, but emotionally as well. Maybe women intuitively sense this, but for me—as a man—that awareness only recently fully hit me.
It came to me during a truffleceremony that I wasn’t facilitating, but experiencing myself. (In my work, I guide people through consciousness-expanding ceremonies and inner work.) My only intention that day was: “Show me the origin of my self-sabotage.” Well… I got my answer.
As the truffles began to take effect, I suddenly felt her presence: my mother. I felt her unconditional and infinite love. I was home again, safe again. And then something bizarre happened: I felt kicking in my belly. I wasn’t just with my mother — I was my mother. And I was pregnant… with myself.
Yeah, I know. It sounds vague and floaty if you’ve never worked with plant medicines. But to me, it was crystal clear.
What I then experienced was the horror and disgust she felt when she discovered she was pregnant again — by that man. Everything in her body screamed “no.” In the hours that followed, I relived the entire pregnancy — through her eyes. A living hell. So much fear, so much pain. At first, she allowed the kicks in her belly, hoping for a miscarriage. And yet, slowly, something began to form: love. Love for me. From that moment on, she began to protect her belly from the violence coming from outside and what was being done to us.
Yes, us. Because everything that happened to her, happened to me too. We were still one. I, safe in her womb, connected by the umbilical cord.
The ceremony revealed what had been deeply stored in my system all those years—far beyond my conscious awareness. My first traumas occurred in the very place where you’re supposed to feel safe and wanted: the womb. Since then, something has shifted. I feel lighter. I sabotage myself far less—in many ways. We all carry experiences that are older than our memory. But it’s never too late to feel them. And to heal.
Be light, be love!
Jeroen Essers
